Ok just to make it clear to make someone happy, if you didn't get it in the last post. Yes I cheated on James, there I said it. It is like it really matters, but I will get to that after I finish.
So after I left James I was so excited to start our new and better future together. We started reading this book called The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Great book by the way. Since I moved back and didn't have internet for a bit, James called me through skype, and we would talk for hours. He would read the chapters to me, until I got the book for myself so we could follow along with one another. James was being so wonderful. I was actually quit impressed with how much he seemed to want this to work as well. After doing some of the exercises together I have have never felt so close to James before. We were on a good path, that just made me even more anxious to have him to hold, and give him a big kiss. There was of course still trust issues between is, but I knew those would fade eventually. As hard as we were working on this marriage, I knew we would get to the place we were before, but a better stronger place. The only thing I really wanted form James was for him to look at me like I was the only woman on Earth that could love him the way he wanted to be loved, the only one he wanted, and the most gorgeous to him. I have been actually writing in a journal and on Sep. 24, 2010 this is something I had wrote,
I think he truly realized how much he loves me, and appreciates me. He almost lost what he didn't want to loose. I really hope we can get past me living with Billy, and having sex with Billy. I know he can, and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure he gets past it. I wish he was here so i could give him a big hug and reassure him I wasn't going anywhere. I am here to stay 100% in this forever.
Well shortly after that on Oct. 6, 2010 things started to unravel a bit. The first 2 weeks on us being all lovey dovey was starting to wear off a bit, and we had some real issues that I had to tell him that we needed to work on. This is what I wrote,
I know it has been a bit since I wrote in here, but been a bit busy. So some stuff has happened 3 days ago James told me he thought he was not in the wrong for not giving me money for the month of Aug. 2010. To provide for me and the animals. He refuses to give me access to the bank account which really pisses me off. He also is still defending others over me. At least he admits that he has work to do in that area. I just dunno he really made me mad to where I hung up on him. Later that day I just felt flooded with emotions and didn't know how to deal them. I got 2 knives a pair of scissors and James's Gerber and some ice to numb myself and attempted to cut myself. Didn't happen, but the way I was feeling was that I will show him how much he is hurting me, maybe taking it to this extent he will realize. Then I thought I don't like pain, and I couldn't get my skin to numb enough to do it. I also thought maybe if I did this he would be sent home earlier. I just want him home. I know there is a lot of broken trust, but damn. I am so angry that he lied to me about the profile making. I am mad that he always said he would divorce me before he cheated on me, and then he cheats on me. I am mad at the way he treated me during this separation. I am angry that he hasn't made me feel like I was the best and looking woman for him. That he couldn't love without me. He made me feel that there was something better out there for him. I adore him, I love him so much, but he doesn't make me feel sexy, or just as loved. The book we have been reading is really good, but he just doesn't seem as in it as he was a week ago. It is almost like we are going back to the same Ole same Ole. There is a problem and we "he" doesn't want to talk about it. I know I am not perfect, but I do believe he has a lot more work to than me. I feel alone in this marriage once again. I make it a point to tell him I appreciate, adore, and tell him I am so lucky to have him as my husband. He doesn't unless I say it first. It gets frustrating. He has always been my number one, but am I his? I question his motives. His ideas. I also found out he was trying to hit up 8 chicks the day beofre he called me. No one replied to him, so I do wonder if since he couldn't get anyone he knew I would come back to him. He is actually talking about kids now which is exciting, but I don't know if it is because he knows that's what I want, or if he really wants it too. I am just so unsure of a whole lot. I know if you wan something bad enough it will happen, but there are just so many questions with no answers again. I want to be happy with James have a great life, sex life with him. I know I am a very emotional person all I want is for him to tell me what he is really thinking he is still hesitating. i think all of this would be a bit easier if he was home, but still have like 4 months for that. If he cared so much about making this marriage work then why didn't he remember to see the Chaplin remember what what his task are form the book and actually think of them. I do I know I am not perfect at it, but he is in it like I am? I am all the way to make this work, is he really? Or does he just hate the idea of being alone? I am just unsure.
So shortly after we started to reconcile I started to see all the signs that he wasn't all in it like me. I was afraid to confront him abut it for the fear of rejection once again. I didn't want to loose him, so I chose my marriage over myself once again. I was going to get over it, and sacrifice myself for him and us. My friends and family were so supportive except a few, but that is another story for later. The groups of people were split between for us and the people against us. I was all for us and I loved having people for us, but the people that were against us can just kiss my ass. I love James and that is all that matters.
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