Wow! Just looking back at some of the things I have put on here. Yeah a little embarrassing, but what is done is done. To make a long story short James and I have been divorced since August 10, 2011. Well that is when the final divorce was filed. I haven't seen James since the final divorce hearing on July 26, 2011. We have spoken and we have got all of our asstets and debts all taken care of now, and life seems to be coming back as normal and not a crazy, emotional, stressful life I have had in the past 2 years. Yes James and I had been seperated since March 15, 2010. July 2010 is when he told me about his affair and the ball got to really rolling after that.
In Feb 2011, I moved to Minnesota, I didn't have a job, I was running really low on funds, since James had taken all the money away from me, and I could not touch it. Since I had been a full-time student at Barton and KSU, I didn't bring in any money, so all I had was money I had stashed away which wasn't much. I was finally to the point to where I had had enough of this bullshit. Excuse my language, but how I was being treated was bullshit. Especially since I was being treated badly from someone I had spent almost 9 years of my fucking life to support and love someone and he calls me a cunt, tells me he wishes I was dead, and oh my all time fav I never meant anything to him. Fuck that shit I was done. So I took a huge risk to move to Minnesota where again, I had no money, Ihad a place to live, but no way to pay for it. That was stressful, but such a wonderful feeling of relief to leave fucking Kansas, Ft. Riley, and everyone, but a few people behind.
For once in my life I had stood up for myself and did not care what anyone thought of me. It was time to stop caring about others and focus on just me. Which is difficult if anyone knows me they know I do not do a good job at taking care of myself in any way. I have always made sure others had things before I. So on Feb 2, 2011 I started to cahnge my life completely.
On Feb 11, 2011 I went on my first date with Steve. We had meet on craigslist and where just friends for a couple of months before we actually meet. We would text see how one another is doing just liek friends do there was no sexual comments or anyhting like that. It had felt like I had known him a lot longer than I had. Great first date until I about had an emotional breakdown talking about James. That was embarrassing, but he was so sweet and understanding. We then went on our second date Feb 13, 2011 and we have been unseperateable since. I have a lot more about Steve, but for now I have to get back to work HEHE!!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The Story Continues!
Ok just to make it clear to make someone happy, if you didn't get it in the last post. Yes I cheated on James, there I said it. It is like it really matters, but I will get to that after I finish.
So after I left James I was so excited to start our new and better future together. We started reading this book called The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Great book by the way. Since I moved back and didn't have internet for a bit, James called me through skype, and we would talk for hours. He would read the chapters to me, until I got the book for myself so we could follow along with one another. James was being so wonderful. I was actually quit impressed with how much he seemed to want this to work as well. After doing some of the exercises together I have have never felt so close to James before. We were on a good path, that just made me even more anxious to have him to hold, and give him a big kiss. There was of course still trust issues between is, but I knew those would fade eventually. As hard as we were working on this marriage, I knew we would get to the place we were before, but a better stronger place. The only thing I really wanted form James was for him to look at me like I was the only woman on Earth that could love him the way he wanted to be loved, the only one he wanted, and the most gorgeous to him. I have been actually writing in a journal and on Sep. 24, 2010 this is something I had wrote,
I think he truly realized how much he loves me, and appreciates me. He almost lost what he didn't want to loose. I really hope we can get past me living with Billy, and having sex with Billy. I know he can, and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure he gets past it. I wish he was here so i could give him a big hug and reassure him I wasn't going anywhere. I am here to stay 100% in this forever.
Well shortly after that on Oct. 6, 2010 things started to unravel a bit. The first 2 weeks on us being all lovey dovey was starting to wear off a bit, and we had some real issues that I had to tell him that we needed to work on. This is what I wrote,
I know it has been a bit since I wrote in here, but been a bit busy. So some stuff has happened 3 days ago James told me he thought he was not in the wrong for not giving me money for the month of Aug. 2010. To provide for me and the animals. He refuses to give me access to the bank account which really pisses me off. He also is still defending others over me. At least he admits that he has work to do in that area. I just dunno he really made me mad to where I hung up on him. Later that day I just felt flooded with emotions and didn't know how to deal them. I got 2 knives a pair of scissors and James's Gerber and some ice to numb myself and attempted to cut myself. Didn't happen, but the way I was feeling was that I will show him how much he is hurting me, maybe taking it to this extent he will realize. Then I thought I don't like pain, and I couldn't get my skin to numb enough to do it. I also thought maybe if I did this he would be sent home earlier. I just want him home. I know there is a lot of broken trust, but damn. I am so angry that he lied to me about the profile making. I am mad that he always said he would divorce me before he cheated on me, and then he cheats on me. I am mad at the way he treated me during this separation. I am angry that he hasn't made me feel like I was the best and looking woman for him. That he couldn't love without me. He made me feel that there was something better out there for him. I adore him, I love him so much, but he doesn't make me feel sexy, or just as loved. The book we have been reading is really good, but he just doesn't seem as in it as he was a week ago. It is almost like we are going back to the same Ole same Ole. There is a problem and we "he" doesn't want to talk about it. I know I am not perfect, but I do believe he has a lot more work to than me. I feel alone in this marriage once again. I make it a point to tell him I appreciate, adore, and tell him I am so lucky to have him as my husband. He doesn't unless I say it first. It gets frustrating. He has always been my number one, but am I his? I question his motives. His ideas. I also found out he was trying to hit up 8 chicks the day beofre he called me. No one replied to him, so I do wonder if since he couldn't get anyone he knew I would come back to him. He is actually talking about kids now which is exciting, but I don't know if it is because he knows that's what I want, or if he really wants it too. I am just so unsure of a whole lot. I know if you wan something bad enough it will happen, but there are just so many questions with no answers again. I want to be happy with James have a great life, sex life with him. I know I am a very emotional person all I want is for him to tell me what he is really thinking he is still hesitating. i think all of this would be a bit easier if he was home, but still have like 4 months for that. If he cared so much about making this marriage work then why didn't he remember to see the Chaplin remember what what his task are form the book and actually think of them. I do I know I am not perfect at it, but he is in it like I am? I am all the way to make this work, is he really? Or does he just hate the idea of being alone? I am just unsure.
So shortly after we started to reconcile I started to see all the signs that he wasn't all in it like me. I was afraid to confront him abut it for the fear of rejection once again. I didn't want to loose him, so I chose my marriage over myself once again. I was going to get over it, and sacrifice myself for him and us. My friends and family were so supportive except a few, but that is another story for later. The groups of people were split between for us and the people against us. I was all for us and I loved having people for us, but the people that were against us can just kiss my ass. I love James and that is all that matters.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Where to begin?
Well there has been a lot that has happened since Cocoa died, it has been almost 2 years, can't believe she has been gone that long already. Time sure does fly, time also changes a lot of things. My life since Cocoa's death, well in August 2009 I got my AAS, and I started going to Kansas State University. My degree plan was pre-vet/Life Sciences. 1st semester was really hard I took 12 hours. Taking Chemistry 1, Accounting 1, Belly dancing, Yoga, and Women's Studies. I had my work cut out for me. I struggled with Accounting, and Chemistry. James my husband tried to be supportive, but it was so hard. James was about to leave for his 3rd tour to Iraq, and that was on my mind a lot. Our marriage was missing something that I choose to ignore so I could focus better on school. By then end of my 1st semester I made a F,D,A,A, and B. Yeah not good at all I know. My next semester was 14 hours taking, Organismic Biology, Global Problems, Macroeconomics, and Trig. The start of that semester was exciting. I was determined to make good grades. Well it was going ok, then I had taken my 2nd test in Biology and kept failing them when I thought I knew the information. Apparently I didn't. James left March 17,2010. That was a sad day he left at 3:30am. I didn't cry this time, cause I was confident he would come home to me safe and sound. Plus by now I was a pro at this deployment stuff. I was sad to see him walk away with the rest of the people leaving, but knew no many how many tears I cried that would not stop him from going. So life continues on, school was kicking my butt once again. I kept failing tests so thought I would go to the doctor and find out if I had a learning disability. Well the doctor said I might have test anxiety, and put me on propanolol. I also asked for him to put in a referral to have me see a psychologist. So he did. Well my 1st session was nice a little guarded, but who isn't when there is someone new to talk to about your personal life. The semester ended and I got an I, B, B, and a C. Better, but it was still not something I was hoping for. The week after my 2nd semester I decided to go to Oklahoma and see friends and family. I was lonely and James had been gone for over 2 months by then.
I saw some old high school friends and hungout with them and realized WOW they have problems and we are so distant than what we use to be. One of my friends Karen was married to an Army guy like me so we had some commonality there. Valarie and I didn't have really anything in common after being friends for 14 years. I also decided while I was there to see an old boyfriend you can call him I guess Billy. I knew Billy some his sister Anna when I lived with her and my aunt and uncles. Only knew him for a few months, and he just quit talking to me all together, and I never knew why. I found him on FB a month before, and saw that he was doing well for himself. Not married yet which surprised me since he is 6 years older than I. Well meeting up with him was not the best idea ever I had had since there was a lot of hurt form the past. I wasn't looking for a answer, but then again I was. Why? Did he quit talking to me. Well we talked then I went back to my friends house, and the night before I left I had dinner with Billy, and went back to his place and hung out laughed, watched Nick at Night. It was really late, and I still had a 76 mile drive back to my grandparents house. So I ended up staying the night. He hugged me and kissed me on my forehead, and I knew he wanted me, but I didn't want to hurt James at all. I had been a good wife and been through 2 tours being completely faithful to my Army husband. I wasn't going to start now. I ended up leaving early in the morning he held me like i hadn't been held in a long time it felt good to have someone hold me like that it was like a drug after that. We talked on the phone everyday. Sometimes even hours on the phone. I was caught in the world of I love my husband, but this Billy guy wow! He made me feel special like James hadn't made me feel in forever. I decided to send James an e-mail to try and portray to him how much I wanted to be with him, and have our marriage better. He called me and asked if I wanted a divorce, I said I dunno maybe. At that time I was just so lost within myself and confused on my love for James and this new feeling for Billy. I went back down to Oklahoma a month after seeing him and saw him again. I stayed with him for 2 days. That was a good feeling. We talked a lot, we laughed and made fun of all the drunk people getting out of the bar across the street. It was an amazing time. I felt so safe being with him. Then I went home and it was right before the 4th of July, James sent me a long e-mail saying things that really hurt my feelings, and towards the end he told me he cheated on me with another female soldier while he was on CQ. CQ is a 24 hour duty thing. I was shocked in I balled I called Billy immediately and was crying he was trying to calm me down. I was so hurt and just wanted to run away. I did talk to James the day after and I was so lost in every way possible. How was this possible I knew we had a not so good sex life, but what did I do to deserve this? I went back down to Oklahoma to my safe zone so I thought, it wasn't in all reality, it was that drug I was addicted to and I needed it more than ever to feel good again. Well shortly after I went camping with Billy and his friends. James had found out about Billy from so called "friends". We had discussed the day before James and I how bills were going to go and all the fun stuff. There was 440 dollars in our joint account and he took it all and deposited it in his personal account. Well guess who needed money to get home? I did duh so I knew his bank info and withdrew it all and put it back in our joint account then took 300 of that and put it into my person account. I knew James was pissed and since I didn't have a job I knew he was going to take the money completely away. I was scared out of my mind. Got back from camping an meet with the Jag people and the lawyer there told me out of the 1113 James gets a month for BAH I am only entitled to 804 a month. The 804 was for taking care of me as in a place to live and utilities. Well since 804 did not cover it all he was not required to give me anything. So on July 31, 2010 I packed up my personal belongings and moved to Oklahoma on with Billy. So he was required to give me that 804 since I no longer lived in the house he was paying for. Oh goodness did the snowball just start rolling after that. I couldn't file for divorce under the Soldier Relief Act. He was protected, but what about me? Well the next day August 1, 2010 Amber my best friend that lives across the street from my house in Kansas told me that so called "friends" of mine Peanut, Ben, and Shawn's truck was backed into my parking and had a POA from James to go into the house and take stuff. Oh hell no I was not about to let them take stuff, but I was 4 1/2 hours away. So I called the cops that was one of the worst hour of my life on the phone with the cops, amber on the other phone. Peanut was on the phone with James. It was a mess, by the end of it the cops said that Peanut and Ben had no right to go into my house to get stuff. I left immediately to come back to Kansas and pack shit up and take it with me. I basically cleaned out the house. Leaving James the couch entertainment center with his sound system, Computer room furniture, and the spare bedroom furniture. I tool everything else including the washer and dryer.
I went back to Oklahoma, and started to realize that I really loved James and wanted us to work out, but he was being so curl and mean and it seemed he had his mind made up. So I tried to move on, but was moving on with Billy a good idea. I wanted to leave Billy's and be on my own, but how was I going to tell him that. I came back to Kansas to find a lawyer, and James's lawyer showed up and served me papers for divorce James filed. I cried and cried. I stayed with Amber and her family. Well also in the divorce papers it said Sep 2,2010 we had court and guess who was going to be there when he wasn't suppose to be home till Dec. 2010. Yep you guessed it James. So I went back to Oklahoma to get papers for my lawyer, and then had to come back to Kansas. I decided to come early since I didn't know when James was suppose to show up. He didn't tell me anything. Oh and just to say it he never gave me a penny for the month of August 2010. I got a lawyer took care of myself, and all 3 animals all by myself with no job. I made it happen. So went to court and the anxiety of seeing James for the first time since he left and since all this crap had happened. Well come to find out he was coming home on that day. He landed in Manhattan, KS at about 4:15 and he wouldn't make it to the court house in time for the judge. So we went about the proceedings. I got awarded for the time being what I wanted he got awarded the house and everything left in it. I went back to Amber's happy and glad I got what I wanted, and basically screwed him HAHA!! Well my happiness didn't last long, Amber's husband Ryan was on his way home from work and called Amber and told her James and his car was in our trailer park. I was like OMG what in the hell is he doing here. I was pacing outside nervous to see him. Then he pulled up in his car my heart stopped. I didn't know what to do. I was angry, and watched as he got out of the car with his fresh haircut looked like he took a shower and was in jeans and his Aeropostle shirt we picked out together. He looked taller than I had remembered. He looked good to me, and it hurt so bad to see him. He didn't even once look at me till he came out of the house and I saw him glance at me when he was putting stuff in his car. My heart sank even deeper knowing that he didn't even care, nor did he show any hurt during this process. In that split second it flashed in my head our divorce, the pain and hurt just sank even deeper into my emotions. I didn't want him to see the pain on my face so I held it together, and as he left and drove by Amber's I yelled love you too James. He didn't even turned his head, and as soon as his car was no longer insight I cracked. I cried and broke down like I hadn't yet before. Amber and Ryan tried to comfort me, but the only comfort I wanted was James's. I pulled myself together and went back to Oklahoma to Billy. Knowing James was going to go to Minnesota and see his family, and our friends. I was even more confused about James and I and Billy and I. Well out of no where in the blue on Sep. 14, 2010 4 days before James was suppose to go to Iraq, James calls me form Minnesota. We talked forever it seemed. There was tears and a lot of hope. He asked what do you want and I told him I want to see you. He said I will deposit money in the joint account and you come up to Manhattan and we will get a hotel together and not tell anyone so we can spend time alone. I barley slept that night, and with Billy beside me I didn't know what to think about going. I knew I really really wanted to go, and Billy told me we will talk about it tomorrow, but what he didn't know was I already told James yes I would go. So the next day James called me when he was in De Moines, and I left Oklahoma, so we could meet in Manhattan at the same time. I didn't know what was going to happen I was scared and excited to see him. As I got on I-70 I knew James and I were on the same highway on opposite sides and having the same destination to see one another.
I saw some old high school friends and hungout with them and realized WOW they have problems and we are so distant than what we use to be. One of my friends Karen was married to an Army guy like me so we had some commonality there. Valarie and I didn't have really anything in common after being friends for 14 years. I also decided while I was there to see an old boyfriend you can call him I guess Billy. I knew Billy some his sister Anna when I lived with her and my aunt and uncles. Only knew him for a few months, and he just quit talking to me all together, and I never knew why. I found him on FB a month before, and saw that he was doing well for himself. Not married yet which surprised me since he is 6 years older than I. Well meeting up with him was not the best idea ever I had had since there was a lot of hurt form the past. I wasn't looking for a answer, but then again I was. Why? Did he quit talking to me. Well we talked then I went back to my friends house, and the night before I left I had dinner with Billy, and went back to his place and hung out laughed, watched Nick at Night. It was really late, and I still had a 76 mile drive back to my grandparents house. So I ended up staying the night. He hugged me and kissed me on my forehead, and I knew he wanted me, but I didn't want to hurt James at all. I had been a good wife and been through 2 tours being completely faithful to my Army husband. I wasn't going to start now. I ended up leaving early in the morning he held me like i hadn't been held in a long time it felt good to have someone hold me like that it was like a drug after that. We talked on the phone everyday. Sometimes even hours on the phone. I was caught in the world of I love my husband, but this Billy guy wow! He made me feel special like James hadn't made me feel in forever. I decided to send James an e-mail to try and portray to him how much I wanted to be with him, and have our marriage better. He called me and asked if I wanted a divorce, I said I dunno maybe. At that time I was just so lost within myself and confused on my love for James and this new feeling for Billy. I went back down to Oklahoma a month after seeing him and saw him again. I stayed with him for 2 days. That was a good feeling. We talked a lot, we laughed and made fun of all the drunk people getting out of the bar across the street. It was an amazing time. I felt so safe being with him. Then I went home and it was right before the 4th of July, James sent me a long e-mail saying things that really hurt my feelings, and towards the end he told me he cheated on me with another female soldier while he was on CQ. CQ is a 24 hour duty thing. I was shocked in I balled I called Billy immediately and was crying he was trying to calm me down. I was so hurt and just wanted to run away. I did talk to James the day after and I was so lost in every way possible. How was this possible I knew we had a not so good sex life, but what did I do to deserve this? I went back down to Oklahoma to my safe zone so I thought, it wasn't in all reality, it was that drug I was addicted to and I needed it more than ever to feel good again. Well shortly after I went camping with Billy and his friends. James had found out about Billy from so called "friends". We had discussed the day before James and I how bills were going to go and all the fun stuff. There was 440 dollars in our joint account and he took it all and deposited it in his personal account. Well guess who needed money to get home? I did duh so I knew his bank info and withdrew it all and put it back in our joint account then took 300 of that and put it into my person account. I knew James was pissed and since I didn't have a job I knew he was going to take the money completely away. I was scared out of my mind. Got back from camping an meet with the Jag people and the lawyer there told me out of the 1113 James gets a month for BAH I am only entitled to 804 a month. The 804 was for taking care of me as in a place to live and utilities. Well since 804 did not cover it all he was not required to give me anything. So on July 31, 2010 I packed up my personal belongings and moved to Oklahoma on with Billy. So he was required to give me that 804 since I no longer lived in the house he was paying for. Oh goodness did the snowball just start rolling after that. I couldn't file for divorce under the Soldier Relief Act. He was protected, but what about me? Well the next day August 1, 2010 Amber my best friend that lives across the street from my house in Kansas told me that so called "friends" of mine Peanut, Ben, and Shawn's truck was backed into my parking and had a POA from James to go into the house and take stuff. Oh hell no I was not about to let them take stuff, but I was 4 1/2 hours away. So I called the cops that was one of the worst hour of my life on the phone with the cops, amber on the other phone. Peanut was on the phone with James. It was a mess, by the end of it the cops said that Peanut and Ben had no right to go into my house to get stuff. I left immediately to come back to Kansas and pack shit up and take it with me. I basically cleaned out the house. Leaving James the couch entertainment center with his sound system, Computer room furniture, and the spare bedroom furniture. I tool everything else including the washer and dryer.
I went back to Oklahoma, and started to realize that I really loved James and wanted us to work out, but he was being so curl and mean and it seemed he had his mind made up. So I tried to move on, but was moving on with Billy a good idea. I wanted to leave Billy's and be on my own, but how was I going to tell him that. I came back to Kansas to find a lawyer, and James's lawyer showed up and served me papers for divorce James filed. I cried and cried. I stayed with Amber and her family. Well also in the divorce papers it said Sep 2,2010 we had court and guess who was going to be there when he wasn't suppose to be home till Dec. 2010. Yep you guessed it James. So I went back to Oklahoma to get papers for my lawyer, and then had to come back to Kansas. I decided to come early since I didn't know when James was suppose to show up. He didn't tell me anything. Oh and just to say it he never gave me a penny for the month of August 2010. I got a lawyer took care of myself, and all 3 animals all by myself with no job. I made it happen. So went to court and the anxiety of seeing James for the first time since he left and since all this crap had happened. Well come to find out he was coming home on that day. He landed in Manhattan, KS at about 4:15 and he wouldn't make it to the court house in time for the judge. So we went about the proceedings. I got awarded for the time being what I wanted he got awarded the house and everything left in it. I went back to Amber's happy and glad I got what I wanted, and basically screwed him HAHA!! Well my happiness didn't last long, Amber's husband Ryan was on his way home from work and called Amber and told her James and his car was in our trailer park. I was like OMG what in the hell is he doing here. I was pacing outside nervous to see him. Then he pulled up in his car my heart stopped. I didn't know what to do. I was angry, and watched as he got out of the car with his fresh haircut looked like he took a shower and was in jeans and his Aeropostle shirt we picked out together. He looked taller than I had remembered. He looked good to me, and it hurt so bad to see him. He didn't even once look at me till he came out of the house and I saw him glance at me when he was putting stuff in his car. My heart sank even deeper knowing that he didn't even care, nor did he show any hurt during this process. In that split second it flashed in my head our divorce, the pain and hurt just sank even deeper into my emotions. I didn't want him to see the pain on my face so I held it together, and as he left and drove by Amber's I yelled love you too James. He didn't even turned his head, and as soon as his car was no longer insight I cracked. I cried and broke down like I hadn't yet before. Amber and Ryan tried to comfort me, but the only comfort I wanted was James's. I pulled myself together and went back to Oklahoma to Billy. Knowing James was going to go to Minnesota and see his family, and our friends. I was even more confused about James and I and Billy and I. Well out of no where in the blue on Sep. 14, 2010 4 days before James was suppose to go to Iraq, James calls me form Minnesota. We talked forever it seemed. There was tears and a lot of hope. He asked what do you want and I told him I want to see you. He said I will deposit money in the joint account and you come up to Manhattan and we will get a hotel together and not tell anyone so we can spend time alone. I barley slept that night, and with Billy beside me I didn't know what to think about going. I knew I really really wanted to go, and Billy told me we will talk about it tomorrow, but what he didn't know was I already told James yes I would go. So the next day James called me when he was in De Moines, and I left Oklahoma, so we could meet in Manhattan at the same time. I didn't know what was going to happen I was scared and excited to see him. As I got on I-70 I knew James and I were on the same highway on opposite sides and having the same destination to see one another.
I pull into the Holiday Inn parking lot, and seconds later James does too. He spun his tires and kinda flirted with me with his car. It took him a bit to get out the car. He gets us a room, we head to the elevator not saying really anything to one another. That elevator ride up was nerve racking. I kept asking myself what am I doing here? We get into the room and he asks for my cell phone and he turns his and mine off and puts them into the drawer so we would not be bothered. He wanted to take a shower before we went to eat at the restaurant that was connected to the hotel. He started to undress and asked you don't mind do ya? I said ummmm I have only see you naked for I dunno how many times no I don't care. Even though there was this awkward uncomfortable feeling. I waited on the bed and he asked what are you thinking, and I told him I am thinking of how much I missed our big bed since it had been in storage. He got out of the shower got dressed and asked if I was ready to eat? I said yes then he came over to me and hugged me it was a good hug. When my arms wrapped around him it felt so good to hold him again. After all the crap we had been through I felt that he loved me. Then he pulled away and starred into my eyes and I asked what are looking at and he said just shhhhh give me a min. I was confused on the reason why, but just let him do what he needed to do. As much as I wanted to hit him and scream at him all I felt was love and hope in that moment. Then he says ok lets go eat. We went to dinner with again all this awkward feelings. We both ordered drinks I got buzzed and kinda drunk and so did he. We walked back to the room and I was making fun of him. We get into the hotel room. I took off my shoes and hoped into bed. He lays in bed with me and he was starring at me again and then he asked can I kiss you? Just like he did when when we first kissed. I said I have only been married to you for 6 years, and I am your wife. So he said I just want to make sure. So he kissed me oh wow the passion I felt and the way he did it just felt amazing something I hadn't felt from him in a very long time. It was a very erotic and love making experience. Afterwards he was starring at me and started to cry for the first time I had ever seen that man cry. There was so much hurt between us, and we were both asking ourselves can we make this work? WE just talked and talked then we ended up cuddling and falling asleep in one another arms first time we had really done that. The next morning we went to breakfast talked some more. We were both trying to figure out is this is what was best for the both of us. I knew deep down that it was good for both of us, and knew he would come back to me and me to him. It was just about him just saying it. We went back to the hotel, and we talked some more and more. We decided to work on this marriage that was what we both wanted. So we spent another wonderful day together. Made love like we had never made it before, and he told me the reason he was starring into my eyes was to see if he could see me with another man besides him. I asked if he did, and he said no. God did that feel good to hear. There was so much excitement to our new beginning. He had to go on post and get a few things, and we went. Than he surprised me by going to the Familty Center, he asked if I knew what this palce was and I said no he said this place is where we go to talk to a marriage councelor. We got out of the car hgeld hands so tightly as we walked to the front doors. We waited and waited and I laid my head on his shoulders. He put his arm around me in so much hope. i loved every minute. The feeling of he really wanted to make this work and me wanting the same thing. As we sat in the couch talking to the councelor we figured out some things that we didn't know about one another and she said there was definatley something to be salviaged. That is what we were both looking for. We spent the 72 hours together before he had to leave. The morning he left was an awful morning. We had so much to work on and he had to leave once again. I cried as he left and he waived blew kisses to me and I told him like I always did when he leaves I will be here when you get home. I watched him walk away in some much hurt and confusion for the future, but I knew both of our heart where in it for the long hall to save our marriage. I watched him till I could no longer see him, as I crawled into his car I cried and cried I watched his plane take off, knowing it would be the last time I would see him in awhile. I salcaged that last kiss and hug. I was in it though ready to make us better. I left the airport and in excitment and fear to go back to Oklahoma and get my stuff and tell Billy what had happened. I will continue later, but I am going to go rest for a bit crying a little too much as I go back to those 3 days we spent together.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Well I thought I would try this whole blogging thing. I have so much on my mind. the one thing I have on my mind most is my black Lab, Cocoa. It has been a week on Wednesday that James and I put her down. It still hurts so much. I have so many questions, and question myself on the decision we made. I wonder of she is ok, if she did go to a better place or is a better place a state of mind. I thought that I would be able to feel her presence around the house, but I haven't felt a thing yet,and it scares me that she isn't ok where she is. I did dream of her though it took longer than I thought. It was a crazy dream, a dream that scares me as well. I dreamt that James and I had her put down and we were at home 3 days later, and Cocoa came to her door, and I was so happy to see her,but very confused. All I could think was this possible I sat there and watched her pass away. So I went to the Vet. that put her down,and I was pissed. I asked the Vet. what happened, and she replied well we didn't give her enough medicine to make her die, and so I have been keeping her in a cage with no food or water until I had time to do it again. Oh I was heated and she said well you can bring her back and we can do it again and I told her hell no I am keeping Cocoa. This dream scared me for the simple fact that Cocoa wasn't being taken care of. I would take care of her and I did take care of her. Cocoa always had food, water, a warm place to stay in the winter, and a cool place to stay in the summer. She went to the Vet. every year for her annual check-ups and shots. She went to the Vet. when she got sick or had some thing pop on her body that I couldn't figure it out then she went to the Vet. to get it figured out and fixed. All I can seem to do is think of her and how much of an awesome dog she truly was. I just need that peace of mind that she is ok, and that she is in a better place being taken care of. There are so many dogs out there, and I have never been as touched by one as Cocoa. Cocoa showed me that even when things suck in life you never give up. I just wish people could understnad that all I wanna do is stay at home, in the home were Cocoa's memories are all around. Home is a sense of her still being there. There are pictures every room has some laugh of Cocoa. I don't want ot do anything or go anywhere. I just want to be home right now. I miss her so much and it is going to take me awhile to deal with her being gone. Cocoa was my first animal I ever had to do this too, and I do believe the pain is much more than what meets the eye. When you have to put down your first dog,maybe you will understnad what I am going through. Dogs become part of the family, and when you loose a part of your family, you will not feel complete as a family for quit sometime. I still have Angel, Elvis, and Precious, but none of them can take the place of Cocoa. Angel seems to be taking it the hardest out of all of them. I am unsure how to comfort her. I will try though,try to make her understnad that Cocoa is gone, and it isn't a bad thing that she is around in spirit, and that she doesn't have to be scared that something is going to happen to her like Cocoa. I love all my babies, and miss my wonderful Cocoa Puff.
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